Is there any merit in trying to explain something to people who will not understand because logically there are remedies for it. Personally, i know the logic of it, I know the mind over matter of it, the discipline over motivation of it, the prayer and the manifestation of it, the just take the first step of it.
I stopped feeling angry, hurt, betrayed, misunderstood the day i admitted to myself that if i were on the other side of it, i wouldn’t actually really understand as well. i’d also feel frustrated by my behaviour, lack of communication, and lack of action.
oh random but words and delivery of said words are so powerful, a group of people who for the purpose of this essay are what we would call biologically my first circle unknowingly destroyed a second needed circle. So now, I am circle-less. Being circle-less when you are already free falling means now you are falling out of orbit. It is a different excruciating kind of fall. sidebar – the word excruciating actually feels like pain, or does my brain just make that association because i know what excruciating means. i realise these days i never end up where i started when writing.
living in a space where you can feel the underlying sadness, despair, frustration that is caused by a belief in your ability to promptly, maybe not even promptly, but steadily remove yourself from or change your circumstances for the better by positive sustained actions and your apparent removal to do so is a special kind of torture because you can see the pain you are causing and while you feel genuinely sorry about it, in fact on the days you are able to feel emotions, it makes you really sad, there is nothing you can do about it, for a while and that while is a long while, so now two sets of people are in torture, but when you removed yourself from the physical situation ,it was seen as some special form of rebellion/inconsideration. i visited members some members of the circle who i do not physically live in communion with over the weekend and i felt sick and uncomfortable and all the conversations i had in my head with them as practice for the conversation i would have with them did not surface. i just wanted to coil into myself as much as possible. again i want to reiterate that this is no one’s fault, no one is wicked or bad or doesn’t understand me. i have learnt my lessons from voicing out such negative emotions. one – i am crazy so my perceptions of reality are very very skewed. two – information asymmetry – sometimes i think i’ve had conversations inn reality that i have only had in my head and sometimes i am convinced people should know the information they need lol. three- everybody actually does the best they think they can. our bests are just misaligned sometimes and unfortunately sometimes it would never align. think of it as the three body problem. did you watch that show on netflix. i am so happy i left instagram and twitter because imagine i went on a full blown rant on both platforms anytime i felt this way.
nobody wins. name of my last post, but also maybe now name of my life. i am so scarred from saying the words depression, hypomanic, or bipolar. i don’t even say it in conversation to myself because , well, you know why. you know i used to think i am a strong babe , elemefaoh. i have been shamed – i dont know that that was ever the intention but it was the effect nonetheless – into not even being able to think about it. i have control of my life so therefore i can take control and turn unfavourable situations around. oh how i wish that was true, i really truly wish that was true. human beings are so flawed man. everybody is selfish. we all are selfish and it is to varying degrees yes, but we are so so blinded to it.
on another news, i thought about running away as an alternative to transitioning myself. the people i broached the topic with also do not seem to understand the severity or the need for it. so transitioning it is. on transitioning, i am coming closer and closer to a fail-proof execution.
all these plans im making of oh changing career plans, learning software dev, do a project mgt course, transition to IT PM, move to australia, paint, do ceramics, plant plants…they are all so very nice on paper but somewhere deep down i think i am making these plans to convince myself that i am working towards something admirable. i am truly learning that things aren’t at polar opposite extremes all the time, it is usually a scale, so this might be on a sliding scale, but the reason i truly do these things is not because i want them.
you know one question a lot of people used to ask me at the beginning of all this, when i first resigned last year, it was so what do you want to do. and while i had 1 million politically correct answers for that, the real answer is nothing. but you can’t be alive and just do nothing. voila – now we are closer to our answer.
one some days, i wish i would be here long enough to tell people who are in my orbit of celestial madness that it will get better even if you don’t do anything, that it would just get better, that passage of time does its thing. on some level, i do believe that the passage of time does its thing, but i dunno man. anyways i won’t even be here long enough for that.
no one is coming to save you said tiktok motivational speakers. we’ve all heard this in some way or form and it sounds like a nice thing to say vis-a-vis be the change you want to see. Well, if no one is coming to save me then i am well, truly and thoroughly fucked. because i cannot save myself. i can make all the disaster recovery plans in the world. disaster and career are synonyms in this situation lol. and i have considered it to be honest, maybe well and truly i am using mental health or the lack of it in this case as an excuse as i have been told in not so many words. and absolutely yes i have considered it. it is one of two things. 1. i am absolutely and totally ill to a degree that i can’t even explain with words because i can’t even process the degree. 2. i am lazy and unmotivated and related matters. in both cases, mo yonda. i do not know the accurate english translation.
i told someone the other day that the reason i do not do therapy sessions regularly anymore is that i have nothing left to say. you know sometimes i wish the people who need certain thoughts or words from me coul djust take them directly from my head. think hogwarts pensieve style. as it stands, my mouth is very very uncooperative.
oh btw i changed my stance on childbirth, i finally figured all the reasons i did not want kids and had a very eureka ish moments on why raising children was good for emotional development (i’m putting this very loosely.) so i may have had one, don’t think i could have done more than one, of course this scenario will only occur ceteris meeting paribus. but it is clearer and clearer to me that ceteris would most likely never paribus.
i’m beginning to feel that thing where it feels like i cannot breathe even though i am breathing, it feels like i am screaming even though i am silent and it feels like i am crying even when my eyes are dry.
you know what i need right now, to be a barista or an admin officer lol. like i need a job where i can use my hands/my sociality (that is not a word)and not necessarily 90% of my analytical computing power. i wish. i could move to lome (free board) and work in some restaurant or i dunno something sha. i saw an application at my favorite cafe, dulce, and i was wishing i could apply for a runner or barista position, but i know full well that i can’t, who would support me to make such a decision. yh yh don’t wait for permission to do what you need to do, but technically what i need to do is to go back to actual prestigious work and catch up with my career and make money to start paying back my student loans that for the life of me i can not remember my thinking while taking it (which is a lie, i do know what happened, i was in a state of the word i no longer feel comfortable saying or admitting because the dignity of it has been stripped from me) and explaining that will be met with a rebuff of very damaging logic, and as with everything else , i swallow it, let everyone run amok with their scenario analysis because in as much as they truly want an explanation, i cannot give them one that makes sense. and yes, everyone means well, i know this. even me sef, i mean well.
oh to cease to exist, what a beautiful gift. would money solve a lot of my problems – absolutely yes, but see ehn even with the problems solved, there is still the i don’t want to be here problem. i think money would delay the inevitable , yes , cos i would be able to actually disappear and slowly rewire my cognitive and social synapses and actually marinate and take as long as it takes.
this world is not set up for that kind of long term remarination. i have actually exceeded the maximum socioeconomically acceptable time to be ‘out of it’. a lot of my life memories come up so clearly at such random times these days and i wonder if it a hug from me to me knowing that the end is here. i know our memories die when we die so maybe this is one last dance with my memories.
Ije 