it’s who we are

Religiously and spiritually, I think some beliefs and non-beliefs will disqualify me from being a Christian at this present time, I don’t currently identify with any other group and I’m not atheist, so I do not know what I am. This is a larger discourse that will probably span 3 separate blog posts. How this relates to this post is that I no longer believe that if you choose to die by suicide, you will go to hell. As a matter of interest, I no longer believe in the concept of heaven and hell the way it is taught in sunday school.

I believe a higher power/essence/consciousness was present and continues to be present at the time of creation such that we aren’t exactly here by chance or purposeless. I think we are here for learning and evolving. I think suicide cuts that time short and you then have to retake the entire lesson – think about repeating a class – and it only makes the process longer than it should be. I also think there would be some sort of disappointment/punishment that would be attached to this course of action in the afterlife/in-between. I do not think it will be fire and brimstone, I think it will be mentorship, relearning.

I might never try hard enough

Where do I start from. As always, I will start from anywhere.

i think i like a boy. but he is 25. i started work again. i clocked 30 and had a good birthday celebration. i moved to my own house and i love it. i made new friends.

I am both here and not here. I am existing in two planes of existence. And I know I’ll still feel this way for some time to come.

In darkness you will find your light

I have nothing else to add.

August 1 2025

Happy National Girlfriend Day to all who celebrate. July was a month and a half and I am proud to say I stayed mostly sane throughout. I have updates updates updates. First of all, I was consistent with my medication which I give myself a big pat on the back for. I was however not consistent with exercising because there was just so much going on in the lives of people around me which meant I was sleeping in different places albeit for good reason and this affected my exercise schedule.

So, I started dating in June. Dating currently in my life is defined as getting to know someone via various means to determine if I want to enter a committed relationship with them. It is a hard learning curve for me because this is a new approach, but I am learning and it is going well so far actually. Yay for growth.

There were some really hard parts in July. In my life and in the life of some close friends , but I was able to handle it without crashing out or retreating. I was also happy that I am now at a place that I can show up for friends and for myself without feeling depleted. I felt stretched but I did not feel drained. Insomnia resurfaced shortly as well.

I want to start a new experiment, one in which I develop two distinct relationships with myself – friendship and romance. This will evolve over time but I am choosing to start it today.

I had a lot to write, but I am in mourning and my brain can’t process too much today. So, I think I’ll just write a couple of posts over the course of next week as opposed to the long one I wanted to do today.

Happy August everyone. I am very well, of sound mind and body.

July 1 2025

Today is the first day of the second half of the year according to the Gregorian Calendar and I am feeling mostly grateful. Actually, scratch that. All I feel is gratitude and I am so so grateful to be feeling grateful.

What am I grateful for? I am grateful to be alive, and to be rediscovering my love for life and people. This post will be a sandwich tower of a lot of things that happened/I learnt in the first half of the year.

I’m learning to feel comfortable with allowing multiple feelings about a situation to co-exist in my body. I’m allowed to be happy about a friend’s wedding ceremony and sad that I was not a part of the celebrations. I can feel embarrassed when someone calls me out on less than ideal behaviour and feel grateful that they care enough to correct me. I can feel confident that I am approaching stability and feel anxious about my pace of progress. You get the drift. Now to random things.

My Apple Watch has come out of retirement which means that fit and strong Fisayo is about to make a reappearance! I am truly happy to be in the state of mind to start exercising again and I WILL BE CONSISTENT. My sister-friend, Bukunmi spent a week with me in Lagos last week and it was such a beautiful time. I wish we lived in the same country. I’ve begun to truly enjoy people’s company little by little and it is sweeting my body.

It’s been two months since I dramatically moved away for home and two things – financially I am worse off, mentally/emotionally I am better off. You know what this tells me – I made the right decision, because once my mental/emotional state is stable, my financials can receive salvation. My major plan/desire for the second half of the year is to lead my bank balance to a path of sustained prosperity. Let the church say a loud amen.

It’s also been two months since my suicide attempt and I can say without a shadow of a doubt that in a way I am happy I hit that rock bottom and I am very happy it was unsuccessful. In a very twisted way, it is in trying to lose my life that I found it again.

My Oxford year is easily the darkest year of my life, but something strange has been happening of late. I have been remembering random happy memories that make me deeply happy. I don’t know what this means but I thought it was worthy of mention.

I have been able to talk to friends increasingly without it feeling like a chore. This may sound small but it is such a big win for me. Group social interactions also do not induce panic attacks in me anymore. Although I still need a 15 minute break for every two hours which I take, and it works just fine. I am so glad I do not need cannabis or alcohol to be able to interact in a group setting.

I really hope to start some work in this second half. I am ready mentally and socially and financially. I am still not sure how to go about it but for now I am just putting it out there to the Universe that I am ready for a job that works for me. May the gods of fate be kind to me.

My manic and depressive phases still happen but they are more demure to the glory of God and benefit of mankind. I think stepping out of my biggest emotional trigger aka home and the titration of my fluoxetine are the major helpers. There are other smaller things here and there that I am trying to take notice of so I can document them adequately. I also noticed that alcohol pushes me very fast into unstable states – both mania and depression so I have made the executive decision to fully stop alcohol. Yes, that includes beer and wine. And I am very happy and confident about this decision.

From time to time, I still struggle with thoughts of – am I doing enough? am I conveniently blaming being bipolar for my lack of momentum over the past couple of years? am I even truly bipolar? am I lazy? I don’t think the struggle with these thoughts will completely go, but I noticed I am kinder to myself in the way I interact with these thoughts when they come.

Of late, I have been trying to decide whether or not I want to return to fully being present on social media – IG, TikTok and LinkedIn. My current answer is no. No because I think the wise thing to do is to continue to manage my level of exposure to people. To be brutally honest with myself, I am simply not comfortable interacting with or being perceived by a large and uncontrolled group of people. With time, I will slowly reintroduce myself one app at a time. I am fine if this process takes another one year. Even beyond social media, I am extrapolating this decision to all the people I know and stopped interacting with in the course of the last two years, both friends and acquaintances.

I have fallen in love with South African House music.

I look forward to this half of the year with cautious optimism. I believe life will be kind to me.

The Anatomy of a Sentence

Hello lovelies. Happy Holidays. Hope you are all embracing kindness to yourselves and to others.

Now that the greetings are out of the way, let’s go to class.

“LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED ANYTHING”

Let me know – the job is on you to let me know. if you don’t open your mouth to talk, then that is on you. if i don’t remember to check on you or to say anything thoughtful, then that is on you

If you need anything – there is actually a chance that you won’t need anything. people who are strong won’t actually need anything.

Here are some helpful alternatives

• Say absolutely nothing
• Actually suggest things you think they will need based on the situation e.g – do you want us to go watch a movie together, gladiators is showing on saturday. would you like to try therapy , i reached out to some people and these two therapists come highly recommended.
• Just do something. hey i sent you lunch, hey i booked you a massage, hey i booked you a mani pedi session, i saw this cute earring shaped like an omellete and i thought it’ll cheer you up

Everything ends, Nothing stays the same (2)

I have been feeling good of late. Not the hyper-superhuman-i can do bad all by myself good, but a more quiet in the background kind of good. And this kind of good feels good. It is a different good from before my mental illness became pronounced, but it is a good I am becoming more familiar with and learning to nurture.

In this good, I still have really bad days (both depression and mania), but it comes with a steady assurance that this will pass, everything ends, nothing stays the same. In this good I am recognising when what I feel is fear of uncertainty or a warning from my higher self that this situation is not the best for me right now. I don’t get it right all the time, but I’m getting more and more confident in it.

In this good, I am learning to like myself again. I am learning to speak up for myself even in silence. I am learning to forgive myself faster. I am learning to reframe events. I am learning that even though I may never be the Fisayo I used to know, I am becoming a Fisayo I like.

I like this good. I will nurture this good.

Avatar: The Last Airbender

Water, Earth, Fire and Air. A review of Element House (June 7 2025).

Soooo, this was my first time at Element House, I remember buying a ticket last year, but I gave the ticket out as I did not have the required ginger on the day of. The venue of this particular one was Landmark which was sweet and nostalgic for me on so many levels. Between Landmark and AD who I was going to be going with, it was a no-brainer.

Random tidbit, but my very first experience of the act of ‘pre-gaming’ was in Nairobi when we pregamed at Kempinski for Tomi’s 30th before we went to Alchemist (dear reader, if you ever find yourself in 254, this is a great spot, morning, afternoon, night, midnight, dawn, you sha get the picture). I can write an essay on the art and need for pre-gaming, but this is not the post for that. Basically, I support and endorse the act of pre-gaming.

This was gonna be my first time going to a house music gig although I had gone for EDM gigs about thrice, but apparently they are different genres of the same thing lol. But on a purely music level, I was really excited to experience it cos you know how I feel about music. If you don’t know, I love music. Like a lot. A whole lot.

I met up with AD for pregame shenanigans and we got to the venue just as the opening set was about to come to an end. In my very limited experience, this is the perfect time to arrive at a rave. The crowd is warmed up, if you pre-gamed adequately, you’re hyped up as well. Also, the dance floor is not too crowded so you can move around to get a good spot with ease.

Element House was a 100/10 for a number of reasons. The music was good, really good, super duper uber good! Shout out to Manu, Rosey Gold and Kolours. I had the perfect partner. Shout out to AD!!! The listener to my yapper, my perfect rhythm catcher, the gin to my tonic and the tonic to my gin. I now honestly believe that thing they say about choosing partners in anything generally. Being with the right partner truly transforms your experience.

I also had a lot of firsts – at a point in the night, we were right in the frontest front dancing which was such an experience, we also went on stage with the DJ and that was freaking cool. There was also the regular sweet things like running into friends and making new friends.

All in all, it was honestly the most beautiful night and I might be dumping Group Therapy for Element House in the near future.

Public Service Announcement

I have decided to live.

This means I will make no plans to kill myself for the next 3 years. We will review this statement after my 33rd birthday. It’s gonna be fucking hard and my brain and body and situations may fight me each step of the way, but I can do hard things, I have done hard things before. Granted, this will be one of the hardest things I will have to do, but I have decided to do it. I’m not even trying to live at this point. I simply am going to live.

May the gods of serotonin be kind to me.

Fuck Everything

I’ve been feeling all sorta ways lately. First, I’m no longer sleeping like the undead for now. For now, because I have stopped holding on to the hope that my sleep will be fixed long term. I know I will have bouts of insomnia here and there.

In other news, I want to try at this life thing again. I also don’t trust my determination to do that lol. I’m always so optimistic about life during my spells of hypomania. I met someone recently who for a range of random reasons makes me wants to try again.

I may go to Enugu for a residency, I also applied for another residency in Grand Popo, that one is more competitive sha.

I feel like being alone. I feel like telling all my friends (the ones remaining) that I’m not doing again, that we should part ways since I do not have the ability to be the friend I was anyways and I am tired of feeling guilty about all my current failings.

I had S thoughts again a couple of days ago. I may also pull a total and complete disappearing act quite soon.